On this day of the challenge, we are talking about when you choose to get into a relationship. I remember when I was dating, I had a really simple policy and I am curious to know how many of you have this policy. My policy was, I grew up in an environment where I was told you could control your emotional state. So, depending on what you focus on and what meaning you give to it determines how you feel.
Therefore, if someone was upset, frustrated, angry or hurt, I’d wonder what that person was focusing on. Change your state! I had a zero-tolerance policy for drama. The moment drama would come up, I would immediately get out of there.
What was interesting was that in the world of dating, my policy worked to have relationships that would last about three months! They lasted about three months probably because it takes roughly that long for something you don’t like to come up and my policy at that time was that I wasn’t willing to take responsibility. I would take responsibility for my state and would do something to change it, but I wasn’t willing to take responsibility for their state and how they were feeling.
What I have realized recently is that a lot of men and some women do this. But, for starters, how many of you have ever made this “no drama” policy in your lives? The moment there’s too much drama, or any drama for that matter, then you go, “No thanks!” and the probable philosophy behind this way of thinking and acting is that you would rather that they be with someone else than feel that way with you.
You think that if you aren’t able to take care of them in a way that makes them have a good experience, then you would rather release them and let them go. You know it would hurt you, but you are better off letting them go so that they can find someone else that they would be much happier with.
While many will agree with the reasoning above, that way of thinking will never, ever work in any long-term relationship. It won’t. The reason why this won’t work in a long-term relationship is that when you choose to have a long-term relationship, what you are choosing to say is that you will have a partnership with that person and in a partnership, you both choose to own and be responsible for all the emotions that occur in the partnership process.
And what we don’t realize is how many emotions are going to occur in the process. I will give you an example. Oftentimes when there is friction and someone’s emotions are hurt, a lot of times, at least from the men’s point of view, what will happen is that we will do what is probably the worst thing to do, which is say how we think the other person must be feeling. Things like, “You must be fine and over this already because you are so strong, so I am going to make space and move on, so that someone who can connect with you can come along.” If you want to see someone freak out, try doing that.
Another example of what you might say is, “I don’t have the space to give you all the attention and love that you deserve, so I’m just going to move on because you deserve to have someone that can be there for you and I clearly cannot do that right now.” Saying that would really hurt that person and it would also mark the end of your relationship with that person.
There’s an underlying factor in all those situations, and it does come off as somewhat condescending if you aren’t in the relationship, but we guys tend to say such things in relationships thinking that we are doing the right thing and being the good guy. In reality, it is condescending, and not only that, but also pisses the ladies off massively.
I have my philosophy about humans; I really don’t judge people based on gender, race, religion or anything like that. When someone says this white guy, this black guy, this man or this woman, I am like “Hey, you’re racist!” because that’s not the way to describe people. The person is a human first. I look at all people as if they are human. I know there’s a difference sometimes, but I don’t judge someone’s performance, intelligence or their ability based on any of those things, and so if it is okay for this conversation, I am going to de-elevate or come down and look at males and females, if that is okay. But normally if I look at humans, when I post something with a picture in it, it is a human doing something and I don’t see it as a man or woman, gender or anything else in their background. Some people reach out to me expressing their frustration with the way “white men” are doing something and I am like “Do you realize that the way you are processing this is exactly what you are saying you hate because you are judging them based on an element that’s race! Let it go and just say that person or human is an idiot! And if you elevate it to the level of “human” then it takes away a lot of the pieces in which so many of us find friction.
But for this, we are going to de-elevate and come down and say men and women because I can see some really specific situations and I think this will be incredibly helpful for all of us to hear, if that is okay.
In these circumstances, when we look at men and women, what tends to really hurt women’s feelings extremely, and I am not going to say it applies to all women, for some women that are my friends and I have observed, whenever a man isn’t willing to take responsibility for the emotions that he helped to create in this relationship, oh my goodness, it frustrates the hell out of women!
And I have noticed this multiple times in different situations and gone, “Oh boy, a guy should know about that!” All you need to do in this moment, and what’s wild, I remember when I first heard of this concept, it was a lady saying that if you ever hear a woman whose feelings are hurt, she said that for women, the thing existing between their skin and their internal organs is feelings, and feelings exist within the entire body, from the tip of the toe to the top of the head, there is a layer called feelings.
For women, when her feelings are hurt, every square inch of her body from the top of the head to the bottom of her toes hurts. When her feelings are hurt, this, in most cases, is a sign that says do not touch her. Don’t grab her arm, don’t hold her hand, and don’t do any of this stuff.
Instead, do something really, really important. And this is how she (the woman that I learned this from) explained it. She said if you want to help a woman reset her feelings. And there are four steps and it is more or less hitting the reset button on your computer, because this would restart your computer.
If a woman’s feelings are hurt, number one, don’t touch them, don’t talk to them. And I will tell what not to say to them. For ladies, does it piss you off a lot if a guy says, “I am sorry your feelings are hurt” or “I am sorry that hurt your feelings” or “I am sorry you got upset over it.” None of those things are the right things to say, and those things frustrate women even more from my experience and also from what I have studied.
Every time you try to blame it on something else, you say it is their problem. If you remember the environment that I told you I grew up in, I’d be thinking, “Why are you choosing to be in that upset state? Choose something else!” or things like that. None of that works.
However, there is a very specific phrase that does work. And this phrase is really simple. It is, “I am sorry I hurt your feelings.” It isn’t “I am sorry your feelings are hurt.” What happens next is, sometimes, it doesn’t go anywhere. But if you utter that correct phrase, you will hear the lady take a deep breath. It is the reset. If this happened and there was a group of women nearby and you said that you were sorry that you hurt her feelings, not only would you hear a deep breath from her, but you could also hear it from a few other women within the vicinity because it will reset other women as well. This happens not because you hurt those other women too, but because it helped them to reset from the hurt feelings that they have been experiencing from other situations that don’t involve you.
But, you have to be genuine when you are saying that phrase, you have to take 100 percent responsibility and ownership of this. A lot of times most men say, “But I didn’t hurt her feelings, why should I have to apologize when she is the one that did it. I mean she said that, and I said this, so why do I have to apologize if she decides to get upset?”
Well, here’s the question, would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy? Would you rather have a loving relationship or would you have a shaky one that will fall apart over time? And this is what it comes down to; if you want a loving, happy, healthy, strong relationship, you have to be willing to take ownership of the emotions that are created between and around the both of you.
Does that mean that you are responsible for how she feel forever and that if she is upset that means it is your fault? It isn’t your fault, but you are choosing to take responsibility for it, which is a very, very unique situation because you are saying you are choosing to take partial and full responsibility for the emotions that she feels in her body.
Now I had this happen the other day when I was studying this stuff like crazy when my wife and I met six years ago and now I am a beast at this concept. This concept kicked me in the face about a week ago because my wife was upset and for some reason I hadn’t listened to this program in a while, and somewhere in my nervous system I was like, “She knows how to change her state, she can own her own emotions over there.” We had a friend who had gone through a tough situation in her relationship and I overheard the concepts and it hit me that I had forgotten something that was a game changer and I was so good at a few years ago and I have been really good at the past few years, and just recently, my mom passed away and it kind of made me forget.
Then all of a sudden I remembered and went like, “Oh gosh, taking 100% responsibility of her emotions regardless of whether I created the emotion or not is my responsibility!”
Let me give you another example, if my wife happened to go to a meeting and something happened to upset her and she came home while upset and I go “Wow, she is upset!” Now, I wasn’t at the meeting, I didn’t cause her to be upset, and I didn’t cause any of that, but if I realize her feelings are hurt, the layer between her skin and her organs, they are hurt and she is in pain, I can do a couple of things.
Number one, I can sit her down face to face and say, “Listen, I know I didn’t do it, but if it is okay, can I hold a little space for this healing right here?” And she’d go like, “Sure.” Then I would look her straight in the eye and say, “I am sorry I hurt your feelings.”
If the plane doesn’t land, she will go, “No, it wasn’t you, it was no big deal, common on, let’s just move on.”
You may be wondering, how do you “hold space”? Well, imagine sitting next to somebody and imagine like a bubble from your heart kind of creating a big luminescent bubble around them and imagine that with your whole energy, you are going to keep that bubble full with good space for them and the entire time you are communicating with them. You are going to allow them to express into the bubble and you are going to hold this bubble the whole time. And in that space you are holding for them, you could pour love, goodness, joy or anything you want into it. You intentionally allow the space to exist, with your partner in that space.
If you apologize and it lands, they will immediately take a deep breath and what will happen is that they will almost throw up every little thing that has ever hurt their feelings. If you haven’t done this before, or you haven’t done it in a long time, you are going to hear everything that has ever hurt their feelings that you happen to be a part of; the one time that you were late, the one time when she made dinner and you didn’t say thank you, the one time when…
A lot of the time it is easy for us to go, “Hey, I didn’t do that!” or “I thought we were over that!” Avoid reacting defensively when she pours out all her hurts because she isn’t trying to put you on the spot over them. Just imagine yourself holding a huge Santa bag and letting all those things that she is pouring out to get into that bag.
While all that is happening, be an active listener. There is a difference between a level 1 listener who just keeps quiet waiting for that time when they can insert what they have to say; a level 2 listener who is listening to all the words they are saying; a level 3 listener (where you need to be) in which you listen to 7% of the words they are saying while at the same time listening to the 93% of the tonality, the body language and the expression. You are listening to everything they are expressing and not just the words.
And as you are listening to everything they are sharing, you are catching it and keeping it in the bag. You are like, “Oh gosh, keep sharing, what else? Oh, that must have been nasty, what else?”
When she is finally done, encourage her to let out some more until nothing is left. What happens is if this was a really deep hurt, then it will turn into a cry. It will start off like a kind of whimper and progress into a deep session of crying. At that point, and at that point only, they might lean into you and then that is the only time you can hold her. She will cry it out, and when they are through with this whole process, they will feel so much better. You will have really, truly helped them to reset their entire emotional nervous system, which is the layer between their skin and their organs.
Now I posted something like this a while ago and one of those “awesome” guys who teaches guys how to get laid and pick up girls said, “You are going to teach guys how to be a baiter.” Now let me just differentiate real quick, if you are a guy looking to get laid, this isn’t for you. Go find all the other junk on the internet that teaches you how to pick up people and you will have, usually, three months’ long relationships and that is just about all you will look to.
But if you are looking for a lasting, loving, amazing, resilient relationship, you have to work at it. It isn’t like you will find one and it is beautiful forever. You have got to put in the work. But if you are looking for a relationship and a partner that you are willing to do the work with, this is one element or one tool that you can use together to help take ownership of the emotions and actually, continuously have a beautiful lasting relationship. But it takes effort, and it takes time. And there’s other pieces to the equation, but this is one piece that is extremely useful.
Let me elevate this because I know there are people with different preferences watching this. From the masculine perspective, meaning you are the one that wants to move from one point to another, versus the feminine perspective which means you are the one that wants to flow and feel, and be alive and connected, and express and be heard and understood. If you are masculine, you want to be appreciated whereas if you are feminine, you also want to be appreciated, but more importantly, you want to be seen and be understood where people are at level 3 and they aren’t only hearing your words but also taking note of your feelings.
There’s a really funny example of this where a friend’s wife came out. She was trying to pick what shoes to wear and she was like, “The yellow ones or the blue ones?” And he was like, oh crap, women don’t like indecisive men, so he called out, “The yellow ones!” and she responded, “The blue ones!” He wondered why she asked him if she was going to do what she wanted anyways. But he learned one important thing during this whole interaction. He learned that when she asks, she isn’t interested in what color you like, but rather, based on how she feels, what color best represents how she is feeling.
That means this whole concept of holding space where you create a bubble and feel all the energy, imagine that when the person asks, “Which ones?” you create a bubble around them and put your hands outside the bubble and you feel the energy of the bubble and say, “Based on that energy, I would say the yellow ones.” It is really an expression of “based on how I feel, which ones represent my feelings?”
This is another element of what is really important, of ownership of emotion, that is when a feminine person is asking for things, what they are really saying is, can you tap into how I am feeling and help me figure out which one best expresses the emotions I am feeling right now?
The masculine doesn’t do that. The masculine looks for things that are efficient, things that can get the job done, things that can get them from point A to point B. There is a funny example of how the masculine goes shopping. They walk in, they go left, they go up, they go left, they buy the jeans, they come down and they don’t even try them on and they pick the most efficient path right back out of the door.
And then there’s a picture of how a feminine goes shopping. They go in, move around to different sections that catch their eye, they try on a few things, move again in kind of circles, talk to someone about something for a long time, then as they are coming towards the door they realize there was something they needed to pick from the upper floor so they head there are check out several things and finally hours later head back home with that one item.
That simply shows the element of the masculine and feminine. It isn’t gender-based, not men or women, it is masculine and feminine. We went from male and female to masculine and feminine which could be either way. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
Now let’s elevate one more time. If we went from male and female to masculine and feminine, and if we now went up to human. As a human, one of the most beautiful things you can ever do is be aware of how people are feeling around you. Now every human, race, gender, ethnicity or background, taking time to just take a breath, take your hands and rub them together a great deal and then with your eyes closed, hold them apart and then slowly bring them close to each other. Don’t let them touch, but keep them close and feel the energy that exists between your two hands. You might even try rotating your hands a little bit and feel the energy in there. There’s a natural amount of friction in the energy you just created. You have to be really sensitive and acutely aware of the energy that exists. But feel all the energy.
One thing you can do is practice this concept with a friend where you both rub your hands together and then each of you takes their hands and brings them towards the other person’s hands. Don’t let them touch, but bring them close and just feel the energy between the two of you.
What happens is that over time, you will start to be sensitive to the energy which other humans around you are feeling. And one thing that is really beautiful when you raise your awareness is that you start to feel the energetic feelings and emotions of the people around you. A beautiful gift to give to any human around you is to sit with them and just experience their emotions, experience them, experience how they are feeling.
What’s wild is that if you want to do an experiment that will blow your mind, sit with someone and put a timer for five minutes. Then during that time, do everything that they do. If they raise their hand, you raise your hand. If they smile, you smile. If they laugh, you also laugh in exactly the same way. If they wiggle, you wiggle. For five minutes, do everything they do together.
And at the end of the five minutes, just sit in silence for about three minutes and feel their energy. Feel how they feel. Sometimes, not always, the other person who was feeling how you were feeling all the time can almost feel the thoughts you have with some degree of accuracy.
If you practice this every now and then, what happens is that over time, you start to realize that you can not only do it with a person you just sat down with to practice this, but you realize that you can do this with every person you cross paths with in the world. And this is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other as humans; becoming aware of how the people around us are feeling.
And what is wild is that when you can start to feel their feelings, you can speak truth to their feelings. You can start to experience what they are experiencing. And one of the probably most important tools that I have in my toolkit of being humans is my ability to practice this with people. And I practice this when I am speaking to people, I am feeling what people are feeling around me in the audience. I practice this when I am on call with my coaching clients as I feel what they are feeling regarding what they are saying or not saying.
And this is really important, to practice this in your intimate relationship. To practice feeling what they are feeling, to take ownership of what they are feeling and to pour into them all the things that you hope, wish and desire for them to do for you. It isn’t trying to change how they are feeling; it is pouring all your love into them. It is pouring all your joy into them. It is pouring all your strength and courage into them by breathing all that energy into the bubble that you hold around them while you hold space for them as you allow them to experience all that goodness from you every day.
But that requires ownership, it requires taking responsibility. This can make a huge difference in the person you are in a relationship with or any human you cross paths with. So the message for Day 92 is taking ownership of emotions and becoming responsible, and being able to connect with the emotions of everyone around you, and holding space and really learning how to tap into how people are feeling around you by becoming sensitive to it or aware of it.
It is amazing what a gift this is, and most people are so used to listening just long enough to insert what they want to say. It is very rare, but when you cross paths and interact with someone who operates at level 3, it is incredible! Talk to them and listen to them, and have fun. You may not always feel the people you are talking with because some people are guarded and don’t express, but most times you can feel the person quickly if they are freely expressing themselves.
Just as a heads up, at Performance Coach University program, we are having some awesome webinars coming up and some of the topics to be covered include;
- 10 reasons why a coaching business is the best business in the world.
- 10 ways to generate more referrals in your business (this isn’t just for coaching).
- 10 benefits of becoming a coach.
- 10 ways to grow your business overall!
Some of those topics are for business in general while some are specifically for coaching. If you are interested in these kinds of things, we shall have some links coming up so feel free to join us too. I will teach them live the first time and then we will have recordings for people to go through at whatever time they want.
Anyways, I hope this was helpful today. If someone needs to hear this, tag them to this or share this video with them and I will see you guys tomorrow for Day 93 of our 100 Personal Performance and Business Growth Challenge.
To Your Success,